More than Lucky.

This is the story of a boy (who had a fish) called lucky.

This is the story of a boy, who also had a fish called lucky.

Early morning, he wakes up.

Shouts shouts shouts at the bedroom door

Its time for breakfast, its time for school

Silent treatment, prayers on eggshells

Raised hand threatening compliance.

Isnt he lucky, this white little boy?

Because I was lucky wasnt I?

Lucky to not live in Africa, so make sure you eat all that liver

Lucky to be able to play with trains

Hes so lucky….

Hes so lucky.

If he’s so lucky - then why did I want to end it, all of those times?

If he’s so lucky - if theres nothing missing, in my life…..

I should be so lucky

I should be so lucky

Sang Kylie back in 1989…. my first Album….

I kept coming back.

I kept bouncing.

It irritated those who wanted to hurt me more.

Im still here.

Im lucky the goldfish.

The one I won at the school fete

back in 1983

Winning a goldfish when pets werent allowed.

We werent ready.

But lucky outlived the other victorious winners in the town.

Month by month her friends left this earth.

Some lasted a month, others two.

We called her lucky.

Before we realised that she was.

Lucky the goldfish lasted 30.

Passive neglect and a fortnightly water change

Clearly kept a goldfish alive.

In an empty tank on a shelf.

At least its water changed.

It could breathe.

Hes so lucky.

Lucky was her name.

(Her legacy lived on as first pet name password suggestions until 2015.)

Photo by Sri Lanka on Unsplash

Hes so lucky.

And I was.

I didnt press the self sabotage button.

Stayed swimming.

I was a good swimmer. I swam miles per month at the swimming club in my teens.

I had a big lung capacity. I could withstand a lot.

Trained to swim. Trained to keep taking it.

Trained to be able to swim through it all.

Just like lucky. Day after day.

Just about kept breathing in the murky water.

Circling around and around.

Jumping from one bowl, into another.

Hoping this one will be slightly cleaner than the previous one.

It could only be.

Nothing as damaging as the childhood bowl.

Nothing as damaging.

Yet I had to get out again.

Not realising, until I saw.

The damage another bowl was doing.

And the problem that I couldnt go back to a bowl

I had ran away from once.

Stolen childhood was no refuge.

One phone call away from being cut loose.

No where.

Bowl-less. Exhausted.

He’s so lucky. Hes a star. Hes so lucky.

If I have everything….. why did I turn to over eating and porn every night?

If I have everything ……why did that ache never go away?

He buys buys buys at the lonely hearts………

Out of the bowl I saw.

Out of the bowl I felt.

Out of the bowl.

I wasnt in

Anymore.

I could breathe.

I hadn’t breathed, since I held my breath for safety aged 2

I hadn’t breathed since I held my breath to find the darkness

I could breathe.

in safety

And see the bowl.

The bowls even.

That I was swimming in.

And see.

That I wasnt swimming in them anymore.

That I was beginning to swim the clear water.

That I was outside the swirls.

40 years I swam. Kept swimming almost non stop.

So that I couldnt see, feel, or realise

The colour of the water.

The taste of it.

How it was normal. How it was what I deserved.

How I was suffocating. How I was suppressed.

How I was slave…to the water.

Be prepared…they said in Scouts. I was always ready.

Second guessing every trip home.

Honour your father and mother - church said.

Love others first - the Sunday school leaders said.

The leaders my parents stood beside.

Hes so lucky. he’s a star. He buys buys buys at the empty hearts….

Be grateful for what you have….

Lucky me.

Swimming around and around.

Goggles fogged up, like the ones I could afford at galas.

Couldnt see. Couldnt see a way out.

Trapped.

Like lucky.

Weekly repreives into an ice cream tub.

Then back in the bowl.

To exist another few weeks in a small tank.

Around and around you go lucky.

Lucky didnt know about ponds.

Lucky didnt know about the sea.

Lucky didnt know much about apart from plastic bags

and weekly new water.

A tank that only had a different view

because of dining room redecoration.

Lucky wasnt supposed to live

Longest fete goldfish alive badge - 1985.

Hes so lucky. Hes a star.

Treading water. Swimming.

The water.

Digesting and circulating it.

As it got muckier and muckier.

I was lucky.

I got out.

Unlike lucky. I started to see.

How the water I was born into

had been damaging me.

How the water I was born into

shaped the water I was likely to feel more comfortable swimming in.

Slightly less dirty.

Until I realised that I was alive.

Not just a fish born from the fete.

I was more.

Than Lucky.

And.

So are You.

(Thank you Brittney Spears. When I heard this song when it was released, I knew. I felt it, it was only 10 years later that I could see fully. Thank you)